Can't Believe it has been a YEAR!

Yesterday was our one year anniversary of standing before a judge, in a tiny courtroom, in a small village, across the world, anxiously waiting for her to tell us that Karina was finally, officially our daughter. The months of waiting to travel were difficult, but not nearly as hard as the minutes that passed while we waited for the judge to come in and announce her decision. Deep down we knew that the answer would be yes, but there was still that fear that anything could happen.
God's hand was upon us then and still is today as we continue to develop the roots of our family.

We are creeping up on her fifth birthday. Can't believe she is already school aged. In this past year, she has grown so tall and doesn't really look like the little girl we met in Kazakhstan. Her language is still developing and I love all the cute little things she says. Today she was trying to say granola bar and she kept saying "na-no-ya" bar. I almost don't want to correct her when she mispronounces things, because it is too cute!

We are excited to see what this next year brings us. Still so many new things to introduce her to. We are just trying to breathe in each day as it goes by way too fast.

To My Dear Daughter

Dear Karina,
You have been home for seven months now but it truly does feel like you have always been here. You have such a beautiful spirit and a tender heart. There are so many wonderful things about you, too many to list, but here are just a few I want to remember.
You have the sweetest giggle and the brightest smile that lights up your whole face.
You are certainly a girly girl, with overwhelming fondness for princesses, nail polish, and frankly anything that is pink or sparkles.
You have learned English so quickly and have developed such a large vocabulary, yet you still say all the cute things a toddler does when they are learning to talk, like boo-dee (birdy), have Jesus give bad guys spankings, and so many others.
You dance, skip, hop, and leap you way through each day, I think walking is just too slow paced for you!
You have such a zest for life, that I pray is contagious wherever you go.
You are so strong and determined and I am sure that these qualities are going to take you far in your life.
Your life... it sounds so strange to say.
In some ways it seems almost surreal that you are here with us. That I can hold you in my arms and hear your cute little songs that you sing all day long. Your daddy and I often talk about this journey ,and it amazes us that we are here in this moment, after all the mountains we had to climb and the deserts that we crossed just to bring you home. Even though the road was tough, we would do it all over again if we had to.
I am so grateful to play a small part in the woman that you will become some day. I know that God has so many remarkable things planned for you.
I would like to end this post with a poem for you.

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it.

Six Months Home!

I haven't been blogging because frankly I didn't think anyone was still looking, but I recently got a little nudge to post some pics, so here I am!
It is hard to believe that next week will be six months that Karina has been home. it feels as though she has always been a part of our family. We have made some giant strides in our attachment issues, but still have a ways to go. We have had some lovely moments where she has let her guard down and given us a peak at her tender spirit. She is such a blessing and this entire journey has taught me so much about who I am deep down and the strength I didn't know I had.
Her Russian has been completely gone for quite some time now and we are doing our best to remind her of the words and phrases we know, but know that it is just a novelty at this point. Every time we say something to her in Russian, she asks us what that means. I knew that she would pick up English fairly quickly, but didn't realize it would seem like a blink of an eye. She is speaking in almost complete sentences and is starting to be able to express herself very well.
She and Ben get along pretty good, have their occasional spat just like normal siblings, but her and Sam seem to bump heads quite often. They are both struggling to be the baby in the family and be the center of attention at all times. Even with all their quarrels, they truly do love each other. We have lots of hugs and kisses from everyone in our family.
We are officially in our school season and it is going well. All three of the kids are so bright and really love learning at home. We are getting started on a unit about chocolate. Now who wouldn't love that!?
We have been able to travel a bit with Karina and for the most part she has done okay. It is still obvious that so much of our world is over stimulating for her and can be extremely overwhelming for her at times. Trips to the store can still trigger some anxiety, so we are very careful to take it slow with her.
All in all, things are going great. We still have lots of difficult days, but long gone are the days of ten hours of screaming. She is initiating affection so much more than she ever has and seems to be a very happy little lady. We love her dearly and are so grateful for this experience and to have such an amazing daughter to bless our home.

3 Months Home

It has already been 3 months. On one hand, it has gone by in the blink of an eye, but somedays feel like an eternity. Things are getting better. We have even thrown in a few great days since she has been home. The screaming and crying are slowly making way for smiles and laughter. She is turning into a daddy's girl, but has been warming up to me.

We had a wonderful fourth birthday party for her and she absolutely loved it. We have had so many birthdays (Mike, Sam, Karina, grandpa, and me) in the last month, that I seriously think Karina thinks that we have weekly parties around here! She walks around all day singing the happy birthday song. It is really cute.

She had her first trip to the beach. To say she loved it would certainly be an understatement. Sand + Water = One Happy Karina!

Life has been settling down as we all get into our groove. We have had some extremely difficult days, but the light is starting to shine through the darkness. We are taking it one day at a time and that seems to be easier then repeating the saying "it is going to get better." We are starting to see some of her past come bubbling up to the surface. The other day I decided we all needed to get out of the house and go grab a sandwich. I was rushing all three kids out the door and told Karina to go to the bathroom before we left. She immediately started screaming. After probing her for what was wrong, I received my usual response of no eye contact and refusing to speak. Well, I thought if I could just hurry her along and get on the road, she would be fine. So, I insisted she hurry to the bathroom and she reluctantly shuffled her feet to the bathroom, crying the whole way. I started the car and came back in to get her and she was inconsolable. I told her to hurry up and she just slinked into her room and sat on the floor. I told her that the boys were waiting for her in the car and she gave me a very puzzled look. The tears stopped and she said "Karina no stay home?" It caught me off guard. She started smiling and jumping up and down and asked me if she got to go too? Now, I would never, ever, ever leave one of my children home while I drove to get a sandwich. Yet, my sweet little girl has been left alone too many times to count and doesn't know me well enough yet to know that I would never do that. My hear sank and I almost cried thinking that Karina was scared that I was going to leave her home by herself and who knows when she thought I would, if ever, come back. No wonder... No wonder she has such a hard time trusting me. No wonder she pushes me away like she does. I just have to stick in there and show her time and time again that I am here for her always, no matter what. I tell her that after every tantrum she has. When she is calm and listening, I look her in the eyes, and tell her that I love her always, no matter what, I will never leave you. Even though she might not completely understand yet, I know that she will.

Six Weeks Home

Karina has been home for six weeks now and we are starting to see things settle down a bit. We have in the last six weeks shed a lot of tears, but also cracked quite a few smiles. Our daughter is grieving the loss that she has endured. A lot of times, her grief is released through anger. We have seen our share of rage filled temper tantrums over little things that shouldn't allow a second thought in normal circumstances, but we are not in normal circumstances.

Sunday night, Mike and I went to hear a missionary from Africa share her story and I left there with a new perspective. The speaker, Heidi Baker, was this amazing woman who has laid down her life to serve orphans in one of the most dangerous places in the world. I was so moved by her testimony and the presence of the Holy Spirit was so powerful that I found my self sitting on the floor, weeping uncontrollably for what felt like an eternity. I needed to shed those tears. I needed to cry out to my Heavenly Father. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that he was there with me. The whole time I was sitting on the floor, I could hear him telling me to cry some more. And I did, until I just couldn't shed another tear.

The next day, after waking up from her nap, Karina slowly crept into the family room. Ben asked her if she wanted to go outside with him. I told him that she would be out in just a minute, which was enough to set her into a tantrum. This was not out of the ordinary, so I just picked her up and rocked her in the chair waiting for her to calm down. In the midst of the screaming, she began to cry. Real crying from deep within her. I gently sat her up so that I could look in her eyes, and this time she looked straight back into mine. I began to ask her if she was sad. "Da," she replied. I asked her if she was sad about Kazakhstan. She looked at me like I finally understood her. "Da," she said. I asked her if she missed her friends from Kazakhstan. A wave of relief washed over her and she began to sob. She sat in my arms, reciprocating my embrace and cried from her aching heart. When she was ready, I asked her if she would like to see pictures of Kazakhstan and her friends. A real, genuine smile came to her face. We spent a long time, her sitting on my lap without trying to get away, just looking and talking about the pictures from her orphanage. It was a break though moment for us.

It wasn't as if I hadn't tried to talk to her about Kazakhstan or hadn't shown her pictures. She just didn't trust me enough to let me into that soft spot. That spot hidden deep beneath years of hardening. And just as I needed to weep, so to does my dear daughter. She needs me to share this sadness, this terrible loss in her life. Heidi Baker said the other night that God told her that he shares our suffering and joy. It is not one or the other. It is not suffering or joy, but suffering and joy. As hard as it might be, I want to share Karina's suffering and joy. I will walk down that dark road with her, holding her hand, carrying those sufferings, just as Christ has done for me.

Coming Up For Air

Tomorrow will mark our third week home with Karina. It has been some of the most difficult days I have faced as a parent, yet some of the most rewarding. After about two days home, the honeymoon was over and we started to face some behaviour challenges. We expected that this might happen, but it really doesn't make it any easier when you are trudging through muddy waters. She so desperately wants to be loved, but at the tender age of 3 she has learned that she must protect herself from emotional pain and to do that she must not let anyone in.
Who can blame her? We are strangers that came to visit her for a month, then suddenly left with no understandable explanation. It is going to take time for her to truly understand that we will not leave her again. We see the effects of this when she sees Ben and Sam leave and treats their return as a long lost reunion.
Amidst the screaming and crying, we have seen some very sweet moments. Mike and I have come to realize that she so obviously did not receive the nurturing she needed as an infant and is suffering greatly because of that. We have decided to do our best to recreate those opportunities for her in the way we care for her. A good example of this is in naps and bedtime. When placed in her bed, she immediately starts hitting her head against the railing on the bed and rocks herself back and forth, staring out into nothing. She either chants mama or does this rhythmic moan, all in an attempt to self soothe. I am sure that she has done this for a very long time. It breaks my heart to know that there was never someone there to walk up to her and gently caress her head and assure her that everything was okay. So, I rock her in the chair before laying her down. She absolutely fights this effort with crying, screaming, kicking and any kind of other move to squeeze out of my arms. I just hold her as tight as I can, gently rocking, quietly sing a lullaby and pretend as if she is doing nothing. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes thirty, but suddenly she just melts into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck, lays her head on my shoulder and almost always tells me that she loves me. Those are the moments. Those are the moments that make all the hard times bearable. Seeing a glimpse under that hard exterior at the child that is hidden beneath.
In that glimpse I see a sensitive soul just craving the love she deserves. In those moments, her eyes brighten and mouth soften into a genuine smile. There she is. There is that sweet girl that has been buried beneath neglect and abandonment. I am determined to do anything I can to peel away each and every layer that has been laid upon her. To help that beautiful little soul emerge whole again.

Pics

Here are some pictures from the first day she was home with her new family. Her new
favorite thing to do is put on her dress-up clothes. She wears her crown most days and would probably prefer to sleep in it if I would let her! She loves taking walks in the orchard and has come to love our dog, Brady.

Things have not been smooth sailing, but most of the issues we have had have been teaching boundaries to a three year old. We have seen our share of temper tantrums in the last week, but have also seen an enormous amount of smiles and skipping. It has been utterly exhausting, but in our quiet moments we gain perspective and realize that she is doing really great.

We took her to her first doctor visit and I was amazed at how well she did. She had five shots, six viles of blood taken, and then drug across town to get an EKG. I think the new sparkly silver shoes she picked out after made up for all the pokes!