Coming Up For Air

Tomorrow will mark our third week home with Karina. It has been some of the most difficult days I have faced as a parent, yet some of the most rewarding. After about two days home, the honeymoon was over and we started to face some behaviour challenges. We expected that this might happen, but it really doesn't make it any easier when you are trudging through muddy waters. She so desperately wants to be loved, but at the tender age of 3 she has learned that she must protect herself from emotional pain and to do that she must not let anyone in.
Who can blame her? We are strangers that came to visit her for a month, then suddenly left with no understandable explanation. It is going to take time for her to truly understand that we will not leave her again. We see the effects of this when she sees Ben and Sam leave and treats their return as a long lost reunion.
Amidst the screaming and crying, we have seen some very sweet moments. Mike and I have come to realize that she so obviously did not receive the nurturing she needed as an infant and is suffering greatly because of that. We have decided to do our best to recreate those opportunities for her in the way we care for her. A good example of this is in naps and bedtime. When placed in her bed, she immediately starts hitting her head against the railing on the bed and rocks herself back and forth, staring out into nothing. She either chants mama or does this rhythmic moan, all in an attempt to self soothe. I am sure that she has done this for a very long time. It breaks my heart to know that there was never someone there to walk up to her and gently caress her head and assure her that everything was okay. So, I rock her in the chair before laying her down. She absolutely fights this effort with crying, screaming, kicking and any kind of other move to squeeze out of my arms. I just hold her as tight as I can, gently rocking, quietly sing a lullaby and pretend as if she is doing nothing. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes thirty, but suddenly she just melts into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck, lays her head on my shoulder and almost always tells me that she loves me. Those are the moments. Those are the moments that make all the hard times bearable. Seeing a glimpse under that hard exterior at the child that is hidden beneath.
In that glimpse I see a sensitive soul just craving the love she deserves. In those moments, her eyes brighten and mouth soften into a genuine smile. There she is. There is that sweet girl that has been buried beneath neglect and abandonment. I am determined to do anything I can to peel away each and every layer that has been laid upon her. To help that beautiful little soul emerge whole again.